The Unwritten Rules of Wrestling
As true today as they were 20 years ago
16.2.2003 by Azaroth

Being a wrestling fan comes with many frustrations. Some of these may include all of the amazingly hot women in the world...ignoring you, having to eat with only 18 teeth, and finally, having to readjust the alignment of your trailer after jumping up and down in excitement after The Rock says one of his incredibly insightful catch-phrases.

The biggest frustration, though, has got to be all of the unwritten rules that are not followed as closely as they should be.

I would like to invite the other writers here to add whatever they can to this piece. I am certain that I will mistakenly leave a few points out. So, here we go...

When a champ holds their title belt upside down, they will lose it on their next defense.

When Chris Jericho wears his barbed wire tights, he will lose.

The execution of the dumbest move in all wrestling will result in the termination of the employment of the wrestler. For clarification, the dumbest move in all wrestling is when the recipient is left hanging over the 2nd rope. They lay across the rope with their armpits and neck. They just sit there while their opponent runs across the ring, comes off the opposite ropes, and then jumps on the recipient's back. This is dumb for two reasons.
1: What in the world does that hurt? The guy's armpits??
2: Why in the hell does the guy just sit there?? Get up, you moron!!
This move has many variations, including Rey Mysterio's 619. After talking to a friend, I almost think that this move is even dumber than the dumbest move in all wrestling. I mean, the opponent lays across the ropes while Rey gets the audience to yell, "6-1-9" at the top of their lungs. Hey, buddy...when you hear that, maybe you should MOVE!!!!

Back to the unwritten rules:

Modern history in wrestling spans only 2 to 3 months...tops. You see, the fact that wrestler A hated wrestler B 6 months ago means almost nothing now. They may have even main-evented two or three pay-per-views to document their hatred for each other. After awhile, though, they'll end up on a tag team all of the sudden and they will get along just fine.

As a note on these rules, I'm trying to avoid the stupid stuff like: all main events on RAW must end in a no contest, every show has to have a 20 minute interview at the beginning, etc...

If you're Canadian, then that has to be part of your gimmick. Even if it is only for the one night you're in Canada, they'll make a point of saying that. Chris Benoit, for example, is introduced as being from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Why in the hell isn't Tommy Dreamer introduced as being from Yonkers, New York, USA??? All we need is city and state/province. I pray to god that wrestling fans are educated enough to realize that Alberta is NOT in America. But...I guess you can pray in one hand and crap in the other and then let me know which hand fills up first.

Unwrapping the turnbuckle pad always backfires.

A cross body block from the top rope now has about a 25% chance of success, and a 75% chance of being rolled over by the opponent. It didn't used to be that way...

No matter what Vince McMahon tells you, bigger isn't better. Case in point--Big Show.

All you need to be a successful female wrestler is big boobs and a decent ass. I've seen blind, paraplegic retards wrestle better matches than the women in American wrestling today. Just to be sure, I mean no offense to the blind, paraplegic retards by comparing them to American female wrestlers...I mean, it's not their fault that they're blind, paraplegic, or retarded.

In every major PPV main event, the ref is required to go down. Usually to something dumb like being brushed by one of the wrestlers. Man, I mean, I realize that they're trying to get the point across that the wrestlers are HUGE...but, puhlease!!!

Okay, I think I've made my points. I'll see you back in the Music section.

Splatz weighs in...

Yo, this is Splatz filling in an unwritten rule for Azaroth.

Nothing is harder than the head of a Samoan.

This is a rule that was followed pretty religiously less than a year ago. Rikishi would get DDT'd and just stand right up. But now, Jamal an dRosie get hit with a chain and they go down. An what's worse, Rikishi was given a head butt by Bill DeMott (Hugh Morris) and Rikishi just drops. Last time I checked, DeMott wasn't Samoan. Catch a clue, WWE.

This is my old project, THROWDOWN.

A group of friends and I put together this little project in 2003 as an outlet of out collective rage and anger about the subjects that each of us cared about. I was the editor-and-chief and games writer back then.

It was a blast to do and it to be involved in a great collaborative effort using the strengths of my friends was simply amazing. I hope you have fun reading our work as much as we had in creating it.

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