Being the trend-tard that I am, though (youíll hear that from time to
time from me), I checked all the results first thing in the afternoon.
I am sure glad I didnít waste my time!
Letís start with the smaller stuff. Wait, thatís the whole show.
Okay...the Ďminorí stuff.
Favorite Soundtrack. I love soundtracks! I mean, you get a lot of
good music, often by a bunch of different groups, on one CD. Nothing
wrong with that, right? WRONG! The AMAís sought to take a mad shit on
this no-lose category last night. We had Lilo and Stitchís fun
soundtrack. Any lover of Elvis would flip for this CD. The Scorpion
Kingís gritty, metal soundtrack by Sully and the boys in GodSmack. And
then we had Spiderman. The summerís big blockbuster. Blew away Star
Wars and anything else Hollywood could toss at it. Too bad itís got
one of the GAYEST soundtracks EVER!!! (And I mean that in the least
offensive manner towards my homosexual readers...God knows that not
even a show tune singing, interior designing, ab working outing gay is
as GAY as this CD is) So far, weíre 0 and 1 for the AMA.
Country artist, contemporary artists, and inspirational artists be
damned!! Quit wasting my time! Still...how in the hell does Avalon
beat out both Jars of Clay AND P.O.D.??????
Latin music. Hey, isnít this the AMERICAN Music Awards?? ĎNuff said.
0 for 2. UNLESS, theyíve got Ricky Martin back there......nope. Just
Enrique. I stick to my review.
Who in the hell is still giving Celine Dion awards?? Didnít the
Crocodile Hunter kill her on a giraffe safari?? 0 for 3.
Favorite Alternative Artist. By definition, anything Ďalternativeí
shouldnít even BE at a mainstream event like this. That aside, a
pretty close race. Creed, a bunch of whiny, neo-metal heads that canít
even show up for their shows. Linkin Park...hey, isnít this show on
past their bedtime? Or are they just busy remixing their album for the
third time because they wrote their last good song 5 years ago??
System of a Down. Arguably the biggest powerhouse in Rock today.
Well, until that damn singer opens his fín mouth!! Theyíve made a
little money, right? TAKE SOME SINGING LESSONS!!!!!! I would have
gone with SoD, though. At least theyíre still a bunch of hard working
guys that can put out a decent record. 0 for 4.
Favorite new Hip Hop Artist. Hey, arenít they all new?? Seriously,
though, I donít know of many people that have worked as hard as Ashanti
in this business. 1 for 5.
That about wraps up the Ďminorí stuff. So far, not so good. The only
part of this Godforsaken show I really watched was Jack Osbourne
continuing his stretch as the Ďcoolest geekí I know introducing his mom
and Justin Timberlake to present. I know that the family is hosting
the show and all, and that Sharon is pretty much responsible for
keeping Ozzy on track and making him a star, but she DIDNíT EVEN LET
THE NOMINEE VIDEO PLAY!!!! Man, if I was Linkin Park or SoD...Iíd kill
that bitch...if the cancer didnít get to her first. (Ouch)
Favorite Hip Hop Album. Well, hereís the first of many for Eminem.
Poor Nelly had better come up with more than room temperatures for his
next album! 2 for 6.
Favorite Hip Hop Band or Duo. OutKast. Hey, they beat B2K. Works for
me! 3 for 7.
Favorite Female Hip Hop Artist. THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!! If Jennifer
Lopez won this I think that I would go on a tear to buy up all of the
nationís hair removal products so that we can all see her mustache for
what it really is!! Like I said earlier, though, it is all about
Ashanti when it come to this genre. 3 for 8.
Favorite Male...male whatever, this year, itís gonna be Eminem.
Considering the choices...Iíll agree. 4 for 9.
Favorite New Artist. This award has ALWAYS pissed me off. New artist
my ass! Ashanti won this thing and has been in the business for
YEARS!! Congrats to her, but I poop on this award. 4 for 10.
Favorite Female Artist. Again...THANK GOD!!! Lopez is not even
nominated and that has got to be God himself blessing me for all my
good deeds. They gave it to Sheryl Crow despite the fact that she had
ONE good album and it came out over 6 years ago!! Give the damn thing
to Pink! She WRITES her own songs (a little shot to our favorite Toys
R Us mascot, Celine Dion), and she has worked her ass off!! 4 for 11.
Favorite Pop or Rock Band. I had to look twice. I did see Nickelback
in there. WHATíS UP WITH THAT?? They SUCK!! I mean, no bones about
it...these guys SUCK! I guess I can be happy they didnít win. Hey,
anyone ever notice that singer/guitarist Chad Kroeger looks a lot like
a grown up Hanson brother?? Again, considering the nominees, Creed
takes it. 5 for 12.
With three left, I think the AMAís are going to get a FAILING grade
from this Joe Billionaire.
Favorite Album. What do you know??? Eminem got it. Well, he did beat
Nelly. 6 for 13.
Coca-Cola New Music Award. Went to Moe Loughran. Sweet. 7 for 14.
Fanís Choice. Isnít this what itís all about? The fans? With these
choices, Iím gonna go out on a limb and say that no one really gives
either side of a crap about the fans: Ashanti, Creed, Dixie Chicks,
Eminem, Enrique Iglesias, and Nelly. Who wins? NELLY?!? Man, if
thatís what the fans like...then F the fans!
Final score: 7 for 15.
Thank God for quality programming on our Cable networks.